I look at the blue and my mind goes blank. I think all day. i do nothing but think. im at work and I do the work that takes the least amount of thinking so I can think about my own thoughts. I don't know why this blue takes me back to reality. But I try hard. I start to see things in the blue.  It just looks so...deep. I see sides within the blue, and the sides get close rand closer to make a point. Im seeing the inside of this shape, though. the shape goes into the blue. This blue can be so bright that it hurts my eyes. I have to squint when i first look at this blue. It looks like a thick fog in a room. The fog is so dense that nothing can be seen. Sometimes I wish I were in a room like this. A room where you had nothing but the company of yourself. I want this room more and more often. I think about all the thoughts I could think.

I'm tired. exhausted, actually. the blue goes out of focus and there are two blues. I'm at the house again. I'm getting to know it more. I'm in a bed thats getting to be quite familiar. Although I'm looking at the bright, artificial blue chosen, I cant help but pay more attention to his bedsheets....it's like a sea blue though. a calming blue. the blue i look at feels like its polar opposite. There was a porcelain blue elephant next to his bed, and i broke one of the tusks off with my feet tonight. the blue of the elephant is amazing. there are different colors within the blue. The elephant is a pastel blue, but the highlights are purple, and I can see speckles of yellow, green, and sky blue as well.

im restless. Im really restless. theres things in my body sucking in and blowing out. i can feel them. they make me shake my legs violently. i dont know why i feel this way. im exhausted. still. i dont really sleep that much anymore. but my legs are shaking and my heart is moving around my body and my pupils are running all over the place and, my thumbs are hot

i'm not good at focusing. Even taking 15 minutes out of my day is a challenge; thoughts in my mind are running around everything

janea and chris, nicole, britney spears' womanizer, chris, last night, the woman's exchange after crepes but they're closed on sundays, chris, work, lisa, disgust and distaste, a hard, bold, authentic hate, 

i can almost see these things behind the blue, the blue acting as a filter for them. i try to bring my thoughts back to the center of my mind and fold them away for fifteen minutes and come bac to the blue but its damn near impossible.

i cna hardly keep my eyes open. Im laying on my bed, exhausted. I feel like I haven't slept in days. And this blue is relentless. I open up my eyes, and every time, this blue is unchanged. Staring back at me in a swatch of unshifted blue. its even staring at me when i close my eyes. In the nothingness, I still see the swatch.

its relaxing today. this is the feeling that i thought the color blue would bring to me the whole time. I really expected that concentration on looking at this color for a period of time would bring me a sense of calm. its doing its job today. Im laying down too,  though. im not at my house right now. Im three streets away from Patterson park. I havent even looked outside. Theres a lot of light in this house though but no lights are on, so it must be sunny. I hope its a nice day. I hope the sky is this color of blue today. Im alone right now in this house. Ive only known this house for two weeks. 

whats the difference between being stupid and being spontaneous? Is there a difference? is it just foolish to be spontaneous? Act without a plan? I think im a spontaneous person. I hope that doesnt make me foolish.

i keep thinking of memories. Looking at blue, I mean. What do I remember when I look at blue? I keep thinking about how blue, or color, can bring past experiences back into mind. I'm trying to think about all the times that the color blue has met my eye...I don't know- how many times do you think someone sees the color blue, on average? thousands of times? Millions? I want to know. It has to be millions of millions. I should start counting every time i see blue. What are the last times I've seen it? the strongest memory I have of blue right now is seeing it in somebody's hair yesterday in the shower...it was conditioner, but it was a shade of blue. Maybe it was the light, but his hair definitely had blue in it.  it was a milky white blue. It's all I can think about.