March 17

the state of economy is scary. Everythings scary lately. For a while I just ignored it. I decided that it was just people trying to make me scared. I really dont understand anything about current issues. I dont really want to. I suppose, to be a good artist, a good conversationalist, a good student, an "in the know" citizen, I should be up to date with current events and tragedies and breaking news and new legislation and ...all of that. 

but it worries me. and i dont like it. Ignorance is bliss...has never been something that ive believed in. Sagittarius's love to learn new things, to be educated, theyre always looking for the next conquest and to know the next step, or start something bigger than what they started before, but. These things are just scary. I cant use them. I can make art about them. But then Ill look at my art, and Ill say, "So what?" What is this art doing to help the situation? increasing awareness? The awareness is fear. Im increasing fear. Art is a serious, important, necessary things to communicate through. But artists need to be careful to say the least.

March 15

im pretty sure that Im ready to start a new chapter in my life. Im going to move soon. Im going to have a new roommate soon. I have chris now...i have nicole now....I think that its time for me to start thinking a little less and doing a little more. I think a lot about blue in terms of a phenomenon lately. I mean, thats what it is, but...what is it about blue that makes it ....blue? light? pigment? chemicals....no. blue is blue because there is no reason. it just is. 

March 16

my eyes hurt from being open. my arms hurt from staying away from my body for so long. my legs hurt from pressing against the ground so many times. my body is in in agony from being here so long. I wonder how much longer my body will stay here for.

March 11

the inner harbor is not attractive. It is smelly, barren...there is a 1000 foot range of space that is usually awake with some signs of tourism, but other than that, it is hopeless. I work there. I hate going there every day. The people that go into my store during the week are scary. They're usually people that I cannot turn my back on for even 1 minute. 

But we do have these giant windows that overlook the harbor. You can see nothing but the water from them. At about 2pm, the sun hits the harbor and gives its light away to everything. reflected white light spills into the windows and hits everything. A half hour later, Its gone. Constants....planned....science...random...phenomenon....life....

March 12

This morning waking up, I was almost late as usual. With 7 minutes to go before class I throw on clothes and grab my bike and bolt out the front door. This is how most of my mornings are. My room is on the third and top floor of my house, and theres another planned moment from life waiting for me when I get up there. from the first floor, you can see at the stair case that there is ambient light coming from above. A spiritual golden yellow light shines down. Getting closer to the third floor, on the second, it gets brighter, but is now a stronger white, not a yellow. In the center of the rays, you can see that the golden yellow was just a reflection of the cream walls. Then you get to the third floor and can see the sky light directly above. You see nothing but the blue. The sky blue that looks like the most solid a blue possible. This swatch is something I forget to stop and look at, in my last few minutes before being late somewhere else. I hate taking things for granted that I could never see again.

March 13

Im in that house again....In that bed again...the bedsheets are changed. They're not the blue sheets. They're really beautiful though. I don't know what pattern you could call them. Paisley? no. I hate paisley. It's only for bandanas. i dont care what anyone says. Anyway. This pattern is something that you would see in an ancient temple somewhere in India. That's how I feel about it. Hes sleeping right now. He got all these paint swatches from the hardware store and put them on his walls in patterns. they remind me of fish scales on a wall. They go from greens and browns and golds and yellows to aquamarine and turquoise to cobalt blue and navy and dark, deep rich greens. Theyre an odd shape. They're bulbous. Theyre not your average square paint swatch.

March 14

This blue is not relaxing. I just think that I'm not relaxed and Im taking it out on the blue for not helping me out. I don't know what I was thinking when I started. That I would look at the blue and be instantly relieved of stress and inner turmoil? It obviously takes concentration and meditation and focus and things that I think I am ready to admit are really, really hard for me to give up. I have a hard time giving up reality. I think thats why im in the position Im in. I mean with school, work, how many hours I sleep, how many friends I haev, how much time i have for myself. Im not self pitying. Im self speculating. I never thought of myself as tight wound . but I think its time for me to admit that I need to loosen up and let anything that happens happen. I need to let go. Im not saying that I need to let go of my responsibility but I need to stop using it as a crutch. I was thinking about summer the other day, and it actually made me nervous, because I didnt know what I was going to do in terms of what responsibilities i would have. Thats what this exercise was all about , and Im definitely failing it. Letting go of reality for 15 minutes and letting this blue take me wherever it wants. 

I look at the blue and my mind goes blank. I think all day. i do nothing but think. im at work and I do the work that takes the least amount of thinking so I can think about my own thoughts. I don't know why this blue takes me back to reality. But I try hard. I start to see things in the blue.  It just looks so...deep. I see sides within the blue, and the sides get close rand closer to make a point. Im seeing the inside of this shape, though. the shape goes into the blue. This blue can be so bright that it hurts my eyes. I have to squint when i first look at this blue. It looks like a thick fog in a room. The fog is so dense that nothing can be seen. Sometimes I wish I were in a room like this. A room where you had nothing but the company of yourself. I want this room more and more often. I think about all the thoughts I could think.

I'm tired. exhausted, actually. the blue goes out of focus and there are two blues. I'm at the house again. I'm getting to know it more. I'm in a bed thats getting to be quite familiar. Although I'm looking at the bright, artificial blue chosen, I cant help but pay more attention to his bedsheets....it's like a sea blue though. a calming blue. the blue i look at feels like its polar opposite. There was a porcelain blue elephant next to his bed, and i broke one of the tusks off with my feet tonight. the blue of the elephant is amazing. there are different colors within the blue. The elephant is a pastel blue, but the highlights are purple, and I can see speckles of yellow, green, and sky blue as well.

im restless. Im really restless. theres things in my body sucking in and blowing out. i can feel them. they make me shake my legs violently. i dont know why i feel this way. im exhausted. still. i dont really sleep that much anymore. but my legs are shaking and my heart is moving around my body and my pupils are running all over the place and, my thumbs are hot

i'm not good at focusing. Even taking 15 minutes out of my day is a challenge; thoughts in my mind are running around everything

janea and chris, nicole, britney spears' womanizer, chris, last night, the woman's exchange after crepes but they're closed on sundays, chris, work, lisa, disgust and distaste, a hard, bold, authentic hate, 

i can almost see these things behind the blue, the blue acting as a filter for them. i try to bring my thoughts back to the center of my mind and fold them away for fifteen minutes and come bac to the blue but its damn near impossible.

i cna hardly keep my eyes open. Im laying on my bed, exhausted. I feel like I haven't slept in days. And this blue is relentless. I open up my eyes, and every time, this blue is unchanged. Staring back at me in a swatch of unshifted blue. its even staring at me when i close my eyes. In the nothingness, I still see the swatch.

its relaxing today. this is the feeling that i thought the color blue would bring to me the whole time. I really expected that concentration on looking at this color for a period of time would bring me a sense of calm. its doing its job today. Im laying down too,  though. im not at my house right now. Im three streets away from Patterson park. I havent even looked outside. Theres a lot of light in this house though but no lights are on, so it must be sunny. I hope its a nice day. I hope the sky is this color of blue today. Im alone right now in this house. Ive only known this house for two weeks. 

whats the difference between being stupid and being spontaneous? Is there a difference? is it just foolish to be spontaneous? Act without a plan? I think im a spontaneous person. I hope that doesnt make me foolish.

i keep thinking of memories. Looking at blue, I mean. What do I remember when I look at blue? I keep thinking about how blue, or color, can bring past experiences back into mind. I'm trying to think about all the times that the color blue has met my eye...I don't know- how many times do you think someone sees the color blue, on average? thousands of times? Millions? I want to know. It has to be millions of millions. I should start counting every time i see blue. What are the last times I've seen it? the strongest memory I have of blue right now is seeing it in somebody's hair yesterday in the shower...it was conditioner, but it was a shade of blue. Maybe it was the light, but his hair definitely had blue in it.  it was a milky white blue. It's all I can think about.

So tired. exhausted. Up all night last night. I was thinking about this today at work. I have this image of blue in my mind, or, I try to imagine blue in my mind, and it's so calming. It's really amazing. But then I look at this color and it topples me. I heard that people dream in black in white. Maybe I'm just getting my thought of blue confused with a memory of blue. 

There's something very constant about this blue. Constants are never something that I've been good at. I love change. I think this is a weakness. Routine can be a curse, and it's something that I think I've always feared. I can't even stay focused on blue. I have to look deep into the bleu and let my eyes see shapes in it that aren't really there. I see a lot of diamonds.

I really get lost, I start to see layers of blue. I don't even know where it stops and starts at one point...

I just think of electronics, really. The blue screen on pc's....tv's..there is just something very artificial about blue to me...heavy saturated, like something someone is wearing from the eighties,

or a really cray novelty yarn from AC Moores....I'm trying to think about myself right now but I can't think of anything but this electric, artificial, electronic blue that's swallowing me.