March 11

the inner harbor is not attractive. It is smelly, barren...there is a 1000 foot range of space that is usually awake with some signs of tourism, but other than that, it is hopeless. I work there. I hate going there every day. The people that go into my store during the week are scary. They're usually people that I cannot turn my back on for even 1 minute. 

But we do have these giant windows that overlook the harbor. You can see nothing but the water from them. At about 2pm, the sun hits the harbor and gives its light away to everything. reflected white light spills into the windows and hits everything. A half hour later, Its gone. Constants....planned....science...random...phenomenon....life....

March 12

This morning waking up, I was almost late as usual. With 7 minutes to go before class I throw on clothes and grab my bike and bolt out the front door. This is how most of my mornings are. My room is on the third and top floor of my house, and theres another planned moment from life waiting for me when I get up there. from the first floor, you can see at the stair case that there is ambient light coming from above. A spiritual golden yellow light shines down. Getting closer to the third floor, on the second, it gets brighter, but is now a stronger white, not a yellow. In the center of the rays, you can see that the golden yellow was just a reflection of the cream walls. Then you get to the third floor and can see the sky light directly above. You see nothing but the blue. The sky blue that looks like the most solid a blue possible. This swatch is something I forget to stop and look at, in my last few minutes before being late somewhere else. I hate taking things for granted that I could never see again.

March 13

Im in that house again....In that bed again...the bedsheets are changed. They're not the blue sheets. They're really beautiful though. I don't know what pattern you could call them. Paisley? no. I hate paisley. It's only for bandanas. i dont care what anyone says. Anyway. This pattern is something that you would see in an ancient temple somewhere in India. That's how I feel about it. Hes sleeping right now. He got all these paint swatches from the hardware store and put them on his walls in patterns. they remind me of fish scales on a wall. They go from greens and browns and golds and yellows to aquamarine and turquoise to cobalt blue and navy and dark, deep rich greens. Theyre an odd shape. They're bulbous. Theyre not your average square paint swatch.

March 14

This blue is not relaxing. I just think that I'm not relaxed and Im taking it out on the blue for not helping me out. I don't know what I was thinking when I started. That I would look at the blue and be instantly relieved of stress and inner turmoil? It obviously takes concentration and meditation and focus and things that I think I am ready to admit are really, really hard for me to give up. I have a hard time giving up reality. I think thats why im in the position Im in. I mean with school, work, how many hours I sleep, how many friends I haev, how much time i have for myself. Im not self pitying. Im self speculating. I never thought of myself as tight wound . but I think its time for me to admit that I need to loosen up and let anything that happens happen. I need to let go. Im not saying that I need to let go of my responsibility but I need to stop using it as a crutch. I was thinking about summer the other day, and it actually made me nervous, because I didnt know what I was going to do in terms of what responsibilities i would have. Thats what this exercise was all about , and Im definitely failing it. Letting go of reality for 15 minutes and letting this blue take me wherever it wants.